John and Julie Gottman are perhaps the most highly recognized therapists in relationship therapy. What distinguishes them from others is how their recommendations are based on research not opinion or theory. (Note to self: if looking for a relationship therapist, try to get a Gottman trained therapist. PPC has several).
One of their findings is that relationship failure can be predicted with a whopping 90% accuracy based on the presence of the 4 horseman.
– Criticism (of the character not the behaviour)
– Contempt (expression of superiority coming from sarcasm, name calling, eye rolling, mocking and hostile behaviour)
– Defensiveness (righteousness and playing the victim)
– Stone Walling (withdrawing)
Now to be clear, we all may do this. The trick though is to recognize it, do not attribute it to one’s partner REGARDLESS, and immediately make amends for it.
Hint: if you are brave enough (Transparent) ask your partner for their read on you, 1-10, on the 4 horsemen.
The Marriage Clinic, John Gottman. 1999
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